This is by far the worst day of my life. The things I'm going to share are not stuff I'm proud of, but I hope they can help someone in their desperate moment, I pray that God will use them.
I haven't gotten out of bed. I want to but it's like I'm waiting to wake up from this horrible nightmare. I pinch myself, but all I feel is numb.
I spoke to one of the doctors from the USA involved in this large study on in utero surgery that is to be published in the next few years. Result are "very promising" and "ground breaking" but he's sorry to tell me because I'm not an American citizen I can't get in.
My last spark of hope fizzles out.
It's dark, so cold. I feel empty. My baby kicks me but I ignore him (yes it's a little boy).
I don't want him.
Even as I write those words I hate myself. What kind of mother doesn't want her own child? But being a nurse I know the reality of raising a child that could have major medical problems. I don't know if I am strong enough for that, I don't know if I can give up myself like that. I'm so selfish. I would rather my child sit beside our Heavenly Father in glory, than experience the pain that his life might bring.
Termination.
This little voice keeps whispering in my ear, "you have the right". The right to kill my baby?
Kevin remains my sanity, my rock. He spends all day at my side attending to my declining mental state. Holding my hand, telling me there's hope.
Hope?.... all I see is desert.
The computer hasn't left Kev's hand. He's looking so hard for someone, something that can help us. Please God show us your meaning in all this pain?
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